


When Winter Comes

by Rekall



Category: Marvel (Comics), Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: F/M, Lost Love, Memory Alteration, Memory Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-26
Updated: 2013-10-02
Packaged: 2017-12-27 15:49:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/980762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rekall/pseuds/Rekall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Natasha knows someone has been erased from her mind. Someone she loved. With no one willing to tell her the truth, Natasha takes matters into her own hands.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lost of a Love

It was wrong.

Everytime Natasha tried to remember her past, dark blots formed in her mind. She knew someone had been erased. Someone she loved since her heart ached whenever she encountered one of the blots. Her memory being erased was the only way to explain the gaps, blots and voids which shouldn't be there but were. And no matter how hard she tried, they wouldn't go away.

Finally after some insistence on her part they - her supposed friends - finally told her the truth. At least part of the truth. No matter how hard she tried, they never told her who had been erased. They said it was for her own good; claimed her brain might become damaged if it struggled to remembered. 

Natasha felt they were full of it. Even if they were right it was her decision and she wanted to take it but she didn't want to upset them more than what they already were so the matter was dropped. They thought she had forgotten about it but they were wrong. If her friends wouldn't help her she would do it on her own. 

She started small, going over S.H.I.E.L.D files in her free time. Logically, she deduced whoever she had been involved in had to be either an Avenger or a S.H.I.E.L.D agent. There would have been no time to date anyone else and it would have been too dangerous for that person. Enemies were often targeting her and it would be impossible for anyone she was dating to not get caught up in it. It had to be someone who could take care of himself. She just knew it.

"There's has to be something," Natasha muttered to herself as she called up a new file. It too however was a dud. 

Natasha sighed and closed her eyes as she shoved the keyboard aside. Holding her head in her hands, she massaged her temples, trying to calm herself so she could think clearer. There had to be something she was missing. Some clue she had overlooked. Something from the night she had been recovered; the rainy night at Arlington Cemetery. She tried thinking of who had been there that night. It had been Clint, Logan, Steve and someone else. Someone who had risked everything to save her but she didn't even know who he was. 

Natasha's eyes snapped open. That was it. It had to be him. Later in the medical room she remembered him looking at her with a distraught look on his face. It was like his entire world had ended. At the time she hadn't understood why she had felt so sad when she had noticed him but it was all beginning to make sense. 

Bucky. He said his name was Bucky. She remembered that. She had asked him "who the hell is Bucky?" There was another name though. One she only briefly remembered him saying; James.

Working with those two names it didn't take Natasha long to find the file on James Buchanan Barnes. Enlarging the profile picture, Natasha gently touch the screen and she felt a surge go through her. Even if she was wrong, she was certainly liked what she saw. He was the type of guy she would fall for. Plus he had beautiful eyes.

Reading Bucky's file only convinced Natasha further that she found the right person. They both would have been in Russia during the same years when she was training as part of the Red Room. Natasha knew the erased person she had loved had to go back that far since the blots began there. She also knew there were only a few people still alive from that period, let alone ones who had deflected.

As she continued reading Bucky's life story, Natasha began to yearn for him some more. It was so tragic and she knew he had to be quite a man to go through it all and still be able to survive. Few would have been able to done it. She knew from experience that brainwashing was no easy thing to deal with. Brainwashed into being an assassin was worst. People died recently because of her actions. Bucky had gone through decades of it. 

She wanted to meet him. The only problem was she didn't know where to find him. His profile listed him as 'Dead', but Natasha knew that was impossible. He had been alive when she had seen him, which was after the date given for his death. There was something else going on and Natasha had a feeling that S.H.I.E.L.D was involved. 

After hours of digging - and breaking into files she shouldn't have access too - Natasha finally produced Bucky's current address. Although it was tempting to show up unannounced, Natasha figured that would be a bad idea. Instead she found the perfect perch on a nearby roof where she was able to keep an eye on the apartment without being seen.

For five nights she watched the apartment but there was never any sign of anyone using it. She then shifted her tactic to the daytime, thinking Bucky just might be busy at night. It wouldn't be that abnormal in their line of work. According to his file, Bucky was someone who would be use to operating in the dark. He couldn't risk his identity being discovered. Not when he was supposed to be dead. But even during the day the apartment laid vacant.

Natasha was left with little options. Bucky had either already abandoned the apartment and moved on or he was away from the city for the time being. Under normal circumstances Natasha would simply ask for Bucky's location. Someone had to know. Like Steve; Steve wouldn't let his old war buddy just disappear into the night without keeping tabs on him. But Natasha had promised to stop prying into her past. Asking would just reveal what she had been up too and already knew the answer would be to tell her to leave it alone. But that was something she just couldn't do.

Feeling safe that Bucky would not be returning anytime soon, Natasha did the only thing she could; she broke in. 

The apartment felt oddly familiar. She knew it. Knew the kitchen, knew the couch and she certainly knew the bed. She remembered how the silk sheets felt against her skin. It was so real but at the same time it wasn't. She remembered being there but the gaps in her memory were still preventing her from remember Bucky himself. 

There was a framed picture on the beside table. If there was any doubt still in her mind that Bucky wasn't the one she was looking for it vanished when she laid her eyes on the photo. It was of her and Bucky. They looked so happy together. She was smiling and looking at the camera while Bucky couldn't take his eyes off her. There was no mistaking the look on his face as anything but love. It made her heart ache. 

It wasn't fair. 

Part of her wished she had never gotten curious. Never wanted to seek out who she had lost. Her friends had been right; she should have left it alone. At least then she hadn't known what she was missing. Before it had just been a blank void but now that void was filled with pain. 

Natasha felt like crying, but she wouldn't. It wouldn't help. She couldn't change what happened. There was no point in dwelling upon what could have happened. All she could do was fix the future and that started with finding Bucky. Nothing could return to normal without him.

He wasn't an Avenger, Natasha knew that for sure. She didn't think he was with S.H.I.E.L.D either but with S.H.I.E.L.D it was hard to say. Even without Nick Fury in charge of S.H.I.E.L.D it was still a place full of secrets. 

Natasha closed her eyes and wondered how she could be so dumb. Fury was the key. If Bucky wasn't with S.H.I.E.L.D the only other place he could be was with Fury. Everyone knew Fury was still in the game. Somewhere deep underground where no one could find him. 

Natasha sighed. If Fury was involved she wouldn't be finding Bucky anytime soon. He wouldn't be found until he wanted to be and that likely wouldn't be for a long time. Natasha couldn't imagine what it was like for him, watching the love of his life forget all about him. If their roles had been reversed she would have disappeared too. 

She stayed a few more hours. Simply laying on the bed, trying to will her memories to return. It didn't work though. All it did was leave her sad and angry. She wanted the person who had stolen her life from her to pay. If she knew where he was, she would put a bullet in his brain herself. But she didn't know what they had done with Leo. That was another thing they refused to tell her.

When she did finally leave, Natasha placed a small sensor on the edge of the door where it wouldn't be seen. The sensor would send a signal to her the next time someone opened the door. When that happened, she would know when Bucky had returned and she would finally be able to start putting her life back together.


	2. Love Found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky returns but he doesn't plan on staying long. Natasha however isn't about to let him get away.

It was wrong.

Bucky knew he shouldn't have returned to the apartment he once shared with Natasha. He shouldn't have even returned to New York. All it did was bring back bad memories of how things had ended between them.

He didn't need New York. There were things he could do in other parts of the world. Important things. But no matter how hard he tried to deny it, he still wasn't over Natasha. He didn't think he would ever be over her. It was best for her though if he stayed away. He brought her too much danger.

He had no plans on seeing Natasha. Even at a distance it would be too hard. He would be drawn to her and blow his cover. All it would do was create confusion for her. He didn't want that. If Natasha could live her life happily, that was enough for him.

But that didn't mean he didn't miss her.

A picture was all he wanted. He had tons of pictures of her in his phone of course but he wanted something more real. Bucky supposed that a small part of him would always remain in the past. In such a digital age he sometimes liked owning something physical. Natasha would have laughed if she had been there. She had always been more accepting of changes than him. But Natasha would never visit the apartment ever again.

It was a depressing thought.

The picture was where Bucky had remembered it. Located next to the bed so he would always be able to wake up to her smiling face even she was busy with Avengers business. It was stupid and cheesy but it always made his mornings better when Natasha wasn't there.

There was a knock at the door causing Bucky to sigh. It was probably Steve, or maybe even Sam, checking to make sure he was okay. He had hoped to be in and out without anyone noticing. He didn't want to particularly deal with anyone. He was still coming to terms with what happened and didn't want to talk about it. He needed time. That was all.

But the knocking wouldn't go away. Sam must have had one of his birds watching the place. Bucky thought about ducking out the window but he knew it was likely being watched. That was the problem with only having superheroes for friends. They were always one step ahead of you.

"Wha- " Bucky said as he opened the door before cutting off in shock. It wasn't Steve or Sam or even Clint. It was Natasha. But Natasha shouldn't be there. Natasha shouldn't remember a thing. "Natasha . . ."

For a brief moment Bucky thought that maybe her memories had returned. That things would go back to normal between them before his past messed things up. But that moment passed quickly and ended in disappointment.

"Bucky."

Bucky winched at the name. It sounded foreign coming out of Natasha's mouth. Her memories weren't back. He was stupid for getting his hopes up.

He didn't know why she was there. And he certainly didn't know why he was inviting her in. It was taking all of his discipline to not take her in his arms, which was the one thing he really wanted to do.

"Please don't call me that."

Confusion crossed her face as she thought about it. If Bucky didn't know better he would say she was searching her mind for memories. But Bucky did know better. She was thinking, not remembering anything.

"James," she said, trying again.

"Who told you?"

Anger. "No one told me. That's the whole problem. No one was telling me anything."

He never wanted that. He had left so quickly he didn't stop and think about what would happen afterwards. "I'm sorry."

She softened but the anger didn't completely disappear. "I want the truth."

"First tell me how you found me." He knew that Natasha was resourceful. It was one of the things he loved about her. If no one had told her and she didn't get her memory back, there had to be another way.

"You told me your name was Bucky." That was true, it happened at Arlington Cemetery. Back when the only thing he wanted was to save Natasha and when he thought they still were going to spend a lifetime together. "I knew someone was gone. It had to be you. You looked so sad that night. Like someone had ended your entire world."

It had. Everything he knew ended that night.

"I also remember you looking at me through the glass as I was recovering. But you never came in to see me. Not like the others."

Because it would have been too hard.

"Now tell me what happened," Natasha said, finishing her side of the story.

"You had parts of your memory erased."

"I know that." She was annoyed again. "I want to know who you are and what you meant to me."

It was hard. Bucky wanted to simply take her in his arms, tell her everything and hope that everything would magically be fixed. But he knew that would happen. Instead he sat on the couch and motioned for Natasha to sit next to him. The only thing he could do was start at the beginning.

"We met during your Red Room training. I was one of your instructors. We fell in love and began having an affair."

Natasha frowned. "I was promised to another."

Despite himself Bucky couldn't help but smile. "He was an ass."

There was no argument from Natasha so Bucky continued.

"We were eventually discovered and punished. We didn't meet again until after Steve died."

He told her everything. Every fine detail he could remember. It took hours and by the end Natasha simply sat next to him with a stunned expression on her face.

"I don't know what to say. It just seems so impossible. But at the same time, I know what you're saying is true. It all feels so familiar. I just can't remember." She clutched her head. It was as if she was trying to will her memories into existence.

"It's probably not a good idea to try and force it."

Her anger flared again. "Don't tell me what to do."

"I'm sorry." She was right. He had no business giving her his opinion. He had lost that right.

Needing room, Natasha stood up. "I'm not angry with the decision you made. I recognize it was a difficult decision. But I want to know why you just gave up on us? You walked away. Walked away when I needed you the most. That's what I'm angry about."

"I just wanted to keep you safe."

"I'm an Avenger. Trouble is going to find me whether you're around or not."

That was true. Bucky knew it. That was just the excuse he convinced himself of so that he wouldn't have to admit the truth. Facing the truth was always the hardest thing to do, but Bucky needed to do it. He owed it to Natasha to tell her.  

"I was worried you wouldn't love me anymore."

Natasha looked stunned. "I fell in love with you once. You should have at least given me a chance to fall in love with you again."

Natasha was right and Bucky hated himself for it. He should have had more faith in her but his own fears prevented it. He hung his head. Their relationship was over not because of Natasha's memories being gone but because of him. It was all his fault. He had nothing to say to defend himself. He was a fool.

"It's not too late you know."

Natasha's words were so soft Bucky barely heard them. He thought for sure he had to be hearing things.

"What?" It was impossible to keep the hopefulness out of his voice.

Moving closer, Natasha reached out and grasped his metal hand. With a gentle tug she raised it to her lips and kissed it before touching it to her cheek and giving Bucky a soulful look.

"I have been empty. Something was wrong but I never knew what. I want to be happy again and if that means forgiving you, I'm willing to do that. So if you want, I would like it if we could start over."

Bucky really couldn't believe what he was hearing. Somehow though, he found the words to speak. "I would like that too."

"We go slow," Natasha warned. "I still don't know you."

He could live with that. "Okay."

"You can start by taking me out to dinner tonight."

Bucky smiled. That was very doable. He would even let Natasha pick the restaurant. He didn't care where they went as long as she was happy.

Somehow things would be right between them.


End file.
